My simple but complicating self

rant

2006-08-25T00:39:00.000-04:00

Wow this summer has gone by fast...maybe too fast...I have like a week left to pack everything again and uproot for going to college... I am starting to get tired of always uprooting. I will be happy when I finally am settled somewhere. I dont kno how long it will take. Maybe it won't happen until after I am done school and get a full time job. Maybe it wont happen until I am in a serious relationship that mght turn into marriage. It's soo hard to say, but I do know that this is the life of being a college student.

Have you ever wanted something so bad but you can't have? That's kind of how I'm feeling about some things in my life right now. When you happen to run into someone that in the past you liked, then you havent seen them for about a year and run into them again, those feelings came back...ACK...I can't stop thinking about that time when something could have happened but it didnt. *sigh* oh well. All I can do right now is look toward the future and not the past.

So soon, I am going to learn different html codes and whatnot so I can post different and interesting things in here. If someone has some good hints on where I can go to learn let me know!

Well thats enough for one night...OIGH I am very annoyed at this internet connection that I managed to get...

music

2006-08-04T14:57:00.000-04:00

As some people may know, I love music. Just recently, one of my friends sent me a song by Lifehouse. I love that specific song and some of their other songs. Here is the lyrics by the song my friend sent me.

TRYING

could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
just a little while
to see if your human after all
honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do

just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head
would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
that's alright with me now
if it's ok with you

I'm just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way

I'm trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way

room

2006-07-27T10:22:00.000-04:00

So just a quick update before I rush off to the wonderful world of work *cough cough*. Well I have a place for living next year. I am living in the basement of the house I was living in. This causes my rent to only be 250 plus shared bills.... that's is an awesome price. That's only until end of dec. After December, Rebecca and I are moving into an apartment, just the two of us. It will be some pretty sweet times this year. I am looking forward to it...

update

2006-07-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

I am sorry to my blog readers for NOT updating any time sooner...So here is the update a couple people have asked for...not mentioning any names *cough, cough Brad*.

In June I started my job at the ice cream parlour. After getting rid of two staff there and hiring a bunch of new staff we are at full capacity of staff. I love working there. My coworkers are great and it's fun getting to know people from this area. Having only working there for almost 2 months, other than the boss, I am in 3rd or 4th rank of seniority. The other people in front of me are all leaving in the same week for school reasons. I am not leaving until Sept. So I still have another month of working. When everyone that is above me leaves, that means I will have seniority. My boss is putting me on cash more often. He is also having me work more with the younger/newer staff to get them up to full par. With all this being said, I actually like my job because I get to be the leader and use the leadership qualities that I have gained through life experience.

I have been asked alot about housing for next year. I cannot tell you excatly where or what I am doing at this moment. I am waiting for a response from my old roommate to see if I can live in the basement for 2-3 months, then move out into an apartment with R.W. If I cannot move into the basement, I will find something else for housing.

My thoughts about school. I am excited to get back there and get back into learning more about my passion. I truly believe that this is my calling. I do not know exactly where I am headed yet, but I do know that I have time to decide. I have this whole year to decide where I want to go. One thing I need to start deciding is what type of field I want to branch out into. I do know I want to help the children and youth in need. I don't know if it is here in Ontario or if it's in another country. I do know that God has placed on my heart to do missions. Missions is not always having to go to another country. Missions is reaching out to those around you who need the help. My life dream has to be helping people. I also think that since my mom's death this has been a big part of me.

So my final thoughts: live like you never live before. Live life with the passion of wanting to help others when they are in need. Also, don't just sit around thinking everything is going to happen for you, do something with your life that will make you succeed. Success isn't about money, it is about the feeling that you get when you completed something and you feel good about it.

so cheers to those who have come this far and finished reading my blog entry update!!

2006-06-17T11:04:00.000-04:00

so I have a job now. I'm working at an ice cream and fries parlour. I've been working there for almost two weeks now. I actually don't mind it. When it gets busy, it can get hectic, but its not that bad. I enjoy it. My only problem is that i am only working like 30 hrs a week and im supposed to be full time. I'm hoping that i will be getting more hrs soon.

So I was helping yesterday doing some outdoor chores at home. I ended up with open sores on my thumbs (from sweeping the driveway with a hard broom) and a minor burn on my upper arms. Then I went into the pool and i have a burn on my lower back. it hurts... But i do know that it will be ok after a day or two!

2006-05-27T20:56:00.000-04:00

Why is when I start to get over my feelings for you, you end up showing up again? We seem to be on this weird cycle. We like each other, you get a girlfriend, then I get a boyfriend then we are single and liking each other again. Then it happens again. We are on this cycle that needs to stop. I know that you like me...I know that I have liked you. I have liked you for a long time. If nothing comes out of us by the time I am done college, that will be when I learn to let go of you. It all works out..our life...we fit and I know that...I know your family strongly, and you know my family. I am just sick of games that others play that I know you don't do. If you say the words, I am all yours. No ifs ands or buts about it.

Ok on a different note...If you my readers do not know who I am talking about, its one of my close friends that I wish to remain nameless. For those of you who do not know, I have 2 job interviews on Monday. I hope that something good comes out of it all. I could really use the money. It would help a great deal with school...and now.. The last little bit I have had time to do some thinking and I have some issues that I need to solve before I can fully move on with my life. I need to deal with some things before I go back to school next year. I am also going to be trying to get back into shape because I have a free ymca pass (thanks to school for that one). Today we officially closed the hottub right down, so no more of that until the fall. As a family, we are learning how to open the pool for the summer. It has been quite a journey. It still is going but I am learning to be patient with it all. When it opens, we still have to wait for it to warm up before we can even try to go swimming...GRR lol...

bored

2006-05-22T16:52:00.000-04:00

So today I have been bored.. I did some online fun quizzes just for the fun of it... heres the results:

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Your Linguistic Profile::

65% General American English

15% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Monster Profile

Iron Nightmare
You Feast On: M&Ms
You Lurk Around In: Wal-mart
You Especially Like to Torment: Dentists

What's" Your Monster Name?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent.You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored.You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts.And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerousPeople will stop and watch you when you appearEven though you're capable of random violence
You are best known for: your power
Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.You cherish all of the details in life.Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are 24% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.
You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

jobhunting

2006-05-16T22:21:00.000-04:00

I hate not having a job. I need one to start saving money. I feel like I am not qualified enough or people don't want to hire me. What am I doing wrong? I am trying to get out there as much as possible. I am hoping for something soon. I need it...I am getting sick and tired of sitting at home doing nothing. Although I am going out, I still do take days of being home. It will be nice once I have secured a job for the rest of the summer. *sigh*

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T16:09:00.000-04:00

Today is mother's day...One of those "holidays" that well it can be hard to handle...it is getting much better...it doesnt affect me all that much... I still cant wait for the day in the future to be a wife and mother...One day I know I will get there... Today my dad qualified for Boston marathon...his dream, his ultimate marathon...We as a family are so proud of him! It was an accomplishment that he has needed and wanted to do for so long. It was amazing to be there at the finish...For myself, it really reminds me of what my goals are... short and long term...long term is to graduate from college...short term is to find a job and work for the summer...well that is it for now...

Home for the summer

2006-04-29T22:52:00.000-04:00

I am officially home!! It will be a wonderful experience being home for 4 MONTHS...I think im going to actually try to enjoy my time here....I am going to help out wherever possible! I have decided to make this the best time that I can... It's my family that is my support throughout my life and I want to keep them there as my supports. Let's just hope that no matter what decisions I make they will be ok with it...

2006-04-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

I leave here in almost 12 hours... It has been an incredible year! I have learned a lot, mainly about myself. College is definetly a learning experience.

Well I have to continue packing!!

2006-04-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

Wow there isnt many days left here...My days are numbered lol....I have soo many decisions to make...What do I do for the summer? Where do I live next year? Those are the two biggest things right now that I am trying to make. My life never stops making decisions...It's a major part of what I need to do...Do people ever stop making decisions?? I don't think so...

One day I want to have a family of my own... Some days as I walk around a mall or really anywhere and I see these families... I just think I would love to have that for myself. Except that there are many broken families and I don't want that for myself... I will be working with families like that... My heart breaks for them...I think that is where my passion lies..It's for the children of these broken homes....

2006-04-18T00:34:00.000-04:00

Wow, April 17 came and past already...It would have been my mom's 44th birthday. Even though we did not acknowledge it today, it still lives there. As I look at the pic of my mom that sits on my desk, and I look into the mirror, i am amazed how much I have grown up to be like my mom. It is always said that you grow up to be like your parents. This is one scary thought, but I have grown up and I am most like my parents. When I look for a guy, I have tended to look for characteristics that I like from both my dad and my brother. They are both great men in my life. They have taught me a lot through everything that I have had to go through with both of them. I was looking at pictures the other day when I was home, and wow do I look like my mom when she was my age. I sometimes think that I have grown up to be like her in some ways. It's really weird to have that thought. Yes, I do miss her, however, I cannot dwell in the past. It's good to be able to reflect how you feel about a person or things, but not to dwell in the pain or grief it caused you. I know that each individual goes through grieving differently, but if one person is further ahead than another person, it has to be acknowledged that this is going on. I am glad that when I was grieving I got the help I needed. Now, I can look back and reflect as much as I need to.

birthday

2006-04-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Here is the countdown to my bday!!

Home

2006-04-14T00:08:00.000-04:00

So I am home now for Easter!! I made it safely here!! I am going to be very busy all over the place. I am excited about going to church. I'm also excited about seeing some of my very close friends! It's weird to think that I am here for the week and then I go back to Kingston for 2 weeks and then I am back here again for four months. That is crazy...It's time to get back into being in this house again. The house that is really small and well being with my family instead on my own. After being on my own for 8 months, it will be an adjustment to be back with my family.

2006-04-10T20:10:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is a long week even though I have a day off. I just feel like there is a lot to do schoolwise. Today I had a presentation and found out my placement( more in a min). Tomorrow I have a professional portfolio meeting with one of my teachers, another presentation and a test. On Wednesday I have a presentation, perhaps a test. Thursday is placement and then I travel back to my parents house. This is crazy!!!

So my placement next year is once again in a school. I really didn't want to be in a school, but I don't think this will be as bad as it was this past semester. I will be working with behavioural children in a specialized classroom. It actually seems interesting. Maybe this is more what I wanted than before. I don't know, but it's some food for thought!!!!

2006-04-09T13:44:00.000-04:00

I am actually very excited about coming home for the summer. I used to hate coming home. I think it helps though that all of us is going to be living together, so its not just my parents and me. I think part of it is that I want to come home and not I have to come home. If Ididn't want to come home, then that staying in Kingston would have been my choice. After living on my own, it may be a good thing to be able to abide by some rules.

I can't believe that I am almost done school for the year. I keep thinking we have plenty of time, but as I keep looking at my April Calender, its like WOW this is the END of year one. It has been really different than high school. You actually have to hand in assignments (something I was bad in highschool). The reason I didn't hand in all my assignments was because there wasn't marks off for lateness except for a FEW teachers. Now it's all the teachers. Another thing that is different is that we get an agenda of what is going to be happening on each day of the year/semester. I never got anything like that in highschool. Having the agenda for the whole time, helps me get excited for certain classes and what we will be learning. If I had something like that in highschool, perhaps in grade 12, then I would have focused more on school. I really like college more than I did highschool. Maybe that is because I actually want to be here learning what I am learning. I'm more passionate about what I'm learning. When I actually sit down and think about how much I have grown up in the last little bit, its like WOW.

Well I have to get going to call some places for trying to get a room for next year.

summer

2006-04-07T16:54:00.000-04:00

hmmm so I AM COMING HOME FOR THE SUMMER!!!!! Yes it is true, I am coming home. I am going to be trying to get into a camp as a counselor. I am also going to be looking around the house to find work... That also means here in Kingston, I have to find a place to live for next September. Theres a lot to be done in such a short amount of time... I am gonna get cracking... Also, my house is going to be really full in the summer... All of us in my family is going to be living there...crazy eh?? Well maybe I will actually get my life back on track. I am hoping so, because I have been missing the type of contact with Christian people. I think in September I am going to try to find a church since I still have another year after that out here. I need something to help bring in the Christian faith again. Also Dan, thanks for posting that website from Pastor Judah Smith. I started listening to that now and it's starting to help me get back into focus here. THANK YOU!!!

home for the summer

2006-04-04T17:37:00.000-04:00

So I really don't know what to do this summer. I am feeling like I can't move back home because noone wants me there. I am ready to give everything a new start. I have learned more about myself and learned more about how to deal with problems that may come my way. I know how to deal with myself when im dealing with anger or frustrations. I have also been more homesick the last few months since, Christmas. As much as I love being independant, I think I still miss my family most. I WANT TO COME HOME FOR THE SUMMER!!!!!!

Life as of right now

2006-04-02T00:18:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

I decided to get a blog site since I always have thoughts for people to know and never know where I should post them. I have learned a lot in the past year due to many events happening in my life. They just keep happening... Here is the synopisis (hehe big word) of 2006 so far.

January started off with not knowing if I was going to stay in the basement that I was living with. Although it was a Christian couple, I could not handle the constant having them around me. A room became available with one of my good friends from Kingston. I decided to move into there so that I could become more independant. So I moved, with my dad and Teresa's help. They also bought me a bed and a dresser. They also helped me set my room up.

February was a hard month for me. It started off alright, but on Febraury 13th, a mother of one of my friends had died. I found out right before a class on the 14th due to the miraculous cell phone that I am on family plan on with my dad. The death hit me hard. The youngest of the family is the same age that I was when my mom died. I was also close for a while to the mom.

March was filled with uncertainty. The strike with the colleges was happening. It was hard to know when I was going back. I ended up staying in Kingston for the whole three weeks off of school, however, as I look back, I wisht that I went home for a week. I had friends come down to see me for a week, so that was very helpful to pass time. On March 28, I was back in class and ready to be there!

It is now April. I will be coming home for Easter weekend to get away from Kingston and hopefully see some friends... I will be done my first year of college this month as well. It's hard to believe that the end is right around the corner.

Well that is my update as of right now... I will be constantly adding to this one...